


Words Spoken in Haste Are Repented in Leisure

by marygriggs



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-19
Updated: 2012-07-19
Packaged: 2017-11-10 07:33:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/463779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marygriggs/pseuds/marygriggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternative to Loss. What if Alex wasn't the one to go away?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Words In Haste

“Why don’t you stay at my place tonight?” Olivia asked.

Smiling slightly at the detective, Alex answered, “No, I’ll be all right.”

Elliot opened his car door, “Okay, we need…” 

An explosion from across the street interrupted whatever he was going to say. All three of them were blown off their feet as the car the DEA agent had just gotten into disintegrated around him.

Alex rolled over on the hard pavement and looked over at the burning car. For a brief moment she thought she saw a movement from Agent Donovan through the flames. Intellectually, she knew that the explosion would have killed him instantly but the possibility of him being burned alive was appalling. Bile rose in her throat but she swallowed it down, letting anger fill in all those places that fear had emptied.

She pushed herself to her knees and realized that the noises around her were muffled. She swallowed again and tried to will her hearing to return. She looked at Olivia and saw the horror she was feeling, reflected back at her in the detective’s expressive eyes. When she made it to her feet, she realized that her clothes were torn and her palms were bleeding.

Numb, she allowed Agent Hammond to shout at her. She couldn’t get her mind around the reality of the loss of life. Nothing in her prosecutorial background had prepared her for the violent retaliation of the drug lord.

She does not even flinch when the EMT grabbed her arm and hustled her over to the ambulance.

“You need to be admitted.” The penlight of the paramedic was blinding as he checked the reaction of her pupils. “You might have a concussion.”

“I’m fine. I never lost consciousness.”

“That doesn’t matter. The concussion of the blast would have been sufficient.”

Blinking, Alex pulled her head from his grasp. “No. I’m going home.” Alex looked around for Olivia. She met the warm brown eyes. “Take me home. Please.”

“I’ve got you.”

“We need to talk, Ms. Cabot.” Agent Jack Hammond was still furious. “This isn’t over.”

“She’s falling down in exhaustion. I’m going to take her home and you can speak to her tomorrow.”

“You better make sure she’s available.” He waved over a pair of agents. “They’ll escort you home.”

“We’ll be fine.”

“Really? I’m sure that’s what Tim thought too. He was a good agent. I know this isn’t what you’re used to in sex crimes but people would be alive today if you’d take this seriously.”

“I never treated this as a joke.”

“But you treated it like a game and now a good man is dead.”

“I’ll be a work tomorrow. My usual time.” Alex’s voice was clipped.

“Then I’ll see you and your boss there.”

Alex leaned into the warm support of the detective. She needed to ignore the implied threat to her job and put all of her remaining energy in remaining upright for her walk to the unmarked vehicle. 

She dozed off and only wakened briefly to stumble into her apartment. Olivia made her take off all her clothes in the tub and place them directly into a garbage sack in order to keep the fragments of glass off the floor. 

Olivia set the water flowing at the hottest setting. “Don’t take too long.”

“Why?”

“You’re almost out on your feet as it is. I don’t want to have to explain to everyone how you survived a bomb blast with a couple of scratches only to break a hip in the shower.”

“You are too good for me.”

“I take that oath to protect and serve pretty seriously.”

“I know you do. Thank you.” Alex pulled the curtain closed and let the watery fingers of the shower massager work on her sore back. She soaped and rinsed fairly quickly. She had barely removed the towel from the rack when a hand came through the bathroom door to place a mug on the counter.

“What is this?”

“Some of that herbal tea you like.”

“No caffeine?”

“Naw, this stuff is free of everything including taste.” Olivia’s preference for coffee was a running joke. 

Alex took a deep breath and a sip. “Hey, what else is in this?”

“A little honey and a little kick.”

“What’s the kick?”

“Kahlua. Now dry off and get into bed.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Alex knew that her lover was smiling. “I’ll be out in a minute.” She took a further sip of the tea before completing her nighttime ablutions.

“The bed is turned down.”

Alex looked up at the older woman. “Are you coming to bed?”

“I need a shower too.”

“Oh, right. Are you okay?”

“Sure. Remember, I was behind you.”

“Yeah,” whispered Alex.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. I need to try and sleep.”

“Okay. I’ll be out in a jiffy.”

“Good. You know I don’t sleep well unless you’re with me.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be here for you.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you.” Olivia leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Pleasant dreams, darling.”

“I hope I don’t dream at all,” she whispered into the dark.

*****

The next morning Alex dressed very carefully. She pulled on the ivory silk blouse and the light grey wool suit because she needed the comfort of normalcy. Even the slight weight of the fabric was heavy on the tender skin of her back.

Two new agents met her downstairs. They silently drove her to her office and followed her upstairs. Alex was too nervous to even make rudimentary small talk with them while the car ascended.

The receptionist’s eyes were huge when she spotted the Assistant District Attorney exiting the elevator. “Ms. Cabot, you’re expected for a meeting in Mr. Branch’s office.”

“Thanks, Judy. Do I have time to drop this stuff in my office?”

“I would go right in.”

“All right.” Alex took a deep breath before returning to the elevator and riding up two more floors. She took another when the secretary sitting before the District Attorney’s door just pointed. Surprised that her hand wasn’t trembling, she pushed open the oak door.

The room was well appointed and she glanced around in appreciation of the legacy of the office. She was grateful to see her supervisor, Liz Donnelly, was here for the meeting. She nodded at Jack Hammond and Arthur Branch. She didn’t know the other two dark suited men in the office.

“Glad you could join us, Ms. Cabot.”

“No problem.” She could swear she saw a ghost of a smile glide across Liz’s face. “Are you pulling me off the case?”

“Not unless you request it.”

“I understood that Federal charges were warranted.”

“Yes but our case is not ready to go to trial.” The taller of the two strangers spoke up. “I’m Fred Darcy with the special prosecutors office.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“We need your case to go forward to buy us the time we need.”

“Your case is our only hope of keeping them where we can get them.” Agent Hammond unwrapped a stick of gum and put it in his mouth. “If New York drops the charges, he’ll be long gone before the RICO case can be made.”

“Yesterday you didn’t want me further involved.” She stared at the larger man and remembered his words from the previous night.

“I said some things last night that shouldn’t have been said.” 

Alex knew that was the closest she was going to get to an apology. “What do you want?”

“First of all, you need to know that you are under no obligation to carry forward with this.” The gravel tones of Arthur Branch broke into the conversation.

“I understand the risk.”

“I’m not sure you do.” Fred Darcy spoke quietly.

Jack Hammond nodded. “The threat is very real, Ms. Cabot. The death of one of my agents may not be the last one before this is through.”

“It is one hell of a price.”

“But a price that Tim was willing to pay to get those animals off the streets. How many people have died with their veins poisoned by the drugs that animal smuggles into this country? He must be stopped.”

“I’ll proceed with the case I have.”

“She’ll need better protection that what the City of New York can provide.” Liz Donnelly spoke up for the first time. 

“Of course. I’ve discussed this with the Federal Marshals.”

“I’m not going into witness protection or any such thing.”

“No, of course not. We’re going to involve the Treasury department.”

Alex was confused. “How is that going to help?” 

“You’ll be assigned a full Secret Service protection detail. You’ll be covered completely.”

“Like the president?”

“Not quite to that extent.” The other dark suited man spoke up. “My name is Patrick Cannon and I’m the District Chief of the New York field office for the Department of the Treasury Protective Services.”

“I had no idea you people could do this.”

“Protection has always been the first responsibility of the Secret Service. We are broadening the scope to cover you but we are the best in the business for this kind of work.”

Alex was slightly stunned. “I can agree to all this but I want one thing perfectly clear, my personal life is mine.”

“Relax, Ms. Cabot. We know all about your relationship with Detective Benson.”

Very carefully, she doesn’t look at her boss. “Okay.”

“We will cover all the basics and she will need to abide by our restrictions as well.”

“Why?”

Agent Hammond glanced over at the District Attorney. “Well, she was mentioned in the last threat.”

“What?”

“Yes. The targets are you, Detective Benson, and your Mother.”

“How can they be kept safe?”

Hammond laughed. “The best way is for them to be kept as far from you as possible. Failing that, we can offer them limited protection.”

“Olivia would never stand for that.” Thinking back on the disaster that was the last time she had officers protecting the strong willed detective, she shuddered. “I want her to be safe.”

“That will be up to her and how well she follows our instructions.”

“I’m going to have to make her then.” Alex raked the room with her gaze. “Protect my mother. I’ll make sure that Detective Benson stays away from me.”

*****

Sitting in the darkened living room, Alex sipped at her tumbler of scotch. She generally couldn’t abide the harsh taste but she needed it if she was going to make it through the next thirty minutes. 

Olivia’s keys hit the table in the entryway. “Alex? I’m home.” She came into the main room and leaned against a wall as she removed her shoes. “Hey, babe.” When she doesn’t get a response from her lover, she steps into the room. “Whoa, it must have been a bad day for you to take to the scotch.”

“We need to talk.”

For a brief flash, Olivia felt as if all the air in the room had suddenly been removed. “Can I change clothes first?” she asked quietly.

“I’d like to get this over with.”

“That doesn’t sound good.” Olivia looked around and saw a suitcase and duffle bag by the hallway to the bedroom. “What’s this?”

“Come and sit down.”

Olivia followed the direction and sat down opposite the blonde. She looked at the pale face and clenched her hands. “What’s going on, Alex?”

“I want you to take your stuff and move back to your apartment.”

“Excuse me?”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“That’s it? No reason, no nothing. I thought we were doing well.”

“You were wrong.” The simple words hung for a moment in the stillroom. 

“I don’t think I was in error last night.” She glared across the world. “I never thought that you would be the one to quit first.”

“I’m not a quitter, Liv.”

“Oh, no? It seems to me that’s exactly what you’re doing.” Olivia’s hands gripped the armrests. “What is it, really?”

“My work needs to come first.”

“I wasn’t talking about a goddamn case, Alex. I’m talking about us.”

“Us? Really, Detective. Why is it that you never want to talk about us when I want to talk about us? 

“Alex,” Olivia began to answer.

“No, Liv. Now is not the time for you to suddenly want to make a commitment. You had your chance before all this.”

“Before all this, I never thought I’d lose you.”

“It’s hard to lose what you never had.”

“What?”

“We fuck, Liv. We might do a little more often and include other activities but we still just fuck.”

“How can you possibly say that?”

“Are you watching my lips?” Alex pulls off her glasses and tosses them on the top of the coffee table. She can’t stand to see the pain in the dark haired detective’s eyes. “I’m only going to say this once more—my job comes first.”

“Christ, don’t you think I know that?”

“Let me finish. Right now, I need to focus on winning this case. I don’t need distractions.”

“That’s all I am to you? A distraction?”

“Well, right now you’re certainly not a help.” Standing up, Alex turns to face the window behind her. “We both knew this wasn’t going to last.”

Olivia stared at the lean back. “What are you saying?”

“Please leave your key on the counter when you go.”

The detective is stupefied. “This meant nothing to you.” She opened her arms to encompass the room. “You feel nothing?”

“You were fun. Now, you’re a drag I don’t need.”

“I can’t believe this.” Olivia took a step toward her. “Please, Alex. We can’t be over. Not like this.”

“Goodbye, Olivia.” Alex resolutely kept facing the window while she listened to her former lover move about the room and finally leaves. “Someday, you’ll realize this was for the best.”

******

“Hey, Elliot. Give me a minute to run in drop this off.” Olivia held up a thin inter office folder.

Her long time partner grinned. “Take your time, Liv. We’ll go to lunch afterwards.” He hoped that a visit to the ADA was just the doctor ordered for his morose partner. She hadn’t opened up but he figured that she and Alex were having problems. Alex’s visits to the precinct had been sharply down this month and he knew that they hadn’t done any trial prep together for at least a couple of weeks.

Olivia walked down the corridor to Alex’s office. Her pulse raced, other than a few brief glimpses in court, she hadn’t been able to speak to the attorney alone since that night. Their interactions had been strictly professional and Olivia had to admit that she just wanted to see if Alex was having as hard time a time with this breakup as she was.

She knocked on the door and opened it quickly before she changed her mind. “Alex?” Olivia could hardly believe her eyes. Her ex was not alone. There was a truly stunning woman hanging on the back of the ADA’s chair. She grinned wolfishly at the startled detective.

“Was there something you wanted?”

“Yeah, I wanna speak to Ms. Cabot.”

“As you can see, she’s a little busy right now. Why don’t you leave you message with the secretary?”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Olivia, lower your voice.” Alex glanced up, her eyes stopping ever so briefly at the ample cleavage over her shoulder. The sharp-eyed officer did not miss the small hesitation. “Tracey, give me a minute. Please.”

“For you, doll, I’ll give you five.” She walked out the door and closed it firmly behind her.

“Who is that?”

“Why are you here?”

For a moment, Olivia looks taken aback. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’m sorry. Unfortunately, that ship has sailed.”

“Alex, who is that woman?”

“You no longer have the right to ask that question.”

“Did I ever?” Olivia held out her hand, palm toward the blonde. “Don’t answer that. You’ve answered a lot of my questions today. Even a couple I didn’t know to ask.” She stood up and stared down at Alex. “I’m sorry I disturbed you.”

For a few moments, while the slamming of the door still reverberated in her ears, Alex sat frozen.

“You gonna be okay?”

Her smile was brittle. “Of course. Where were we?”

“Just finalizing your schedule.” Tracey perched on the edge of her desk. “That was one pissed lady who left here. Is there going to be trouble?”

“No. She shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Any particular reason you’re throwing her back?”

“The threats included her. I’m not going to give him another target. If I stay focused on this case, he stays focused on me.”

“She looked like she could take care of herself.”

“She’s a detective with the 16th precinct.”

“A cop. So, tell me again why’d you give her up?”

“Don’t forget what happened to those DEA agents.” Alex snapped her planner closed. “After this is over, I’ll be able to explain.”

“How did you get her to let go?”

“I let her believe that I was sleeping with you.”

“You don’t know women very well, do you?”

Pale blue eyes drilled into the agent’s like ice. “What do you mean?”

“And you really think that she will be there when you get your head out of your ass?”

“That’s enough.”

“Whatever.” Tracey pulled out her planner. “I’ve got all your dates for the next seven days? Are you ready to go to court now?”

“Just let me collect the rest of the materials.” She was surprised by the tremor in her hands and shook them out before filling her briefcase with the relevant documents. With a nod at the agent, she walked out the door.

*****

“Alex, it’s Elliot. You need to put me on your witness list for the Bryson case.”

“Why can’t Olivia testify? She was the primary.”

“She’s not here.”

“What? Olivia never flakes.”

“No, I mean she won’t be available.”

“Repeat that?” Alex gripped the phone. 

“She’s gone.”

“What?”

“Sorry. I thought you would have known.”

Alex was inches from crawling down the telephone wire and throttling the man. “Knew what?”

“All I know is that when I came in this morning, her desk was piled high with cleared files and her badge was on top.”

“I don’t understand?”

“Didn’t the two of you talk yesterday? She came out the elevator like a bat out of hell and, from the looks of it, worked all night.”

“Briefly. We talked briefly.”

“About what?” Elliot gripped the phone. “Look, Alex, I’m not an idiot. I know you guys are involved.” He listened intently to the silence, counting out the seconds that passed without a response. “Or were involved. Is that why she’s been a bear to partner with the past couple of weeks?”

Her voice was glacial. “Elliot.”

“No. Don’t try to pull that Ice Queen crap on me, I’m not a defense witness. I care about her, Alex. Don’t you?”

“Of course.”

“Then spill, Counselor. What the hell is going on?”

“We broke up.”

“What?” Elliot pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a moment. “I had to have misheard you.”

“You didn’t.”

“She never said anything. What happened?”

“It was for the best. Her life was at risk.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The threats. They weren’t just about my mom and me. Olivia was mentioned too.”

“Shit, I didn’t know that.”

“I didn’t let them tell her.”

“What were you thinking? She can’t protect herself if she doesn’t have all the information.”

“Don’t you understand? That is why I broke up with her. I thought she’d be safer if she wasn’t a part of my life.”

“I don’t think Olivia would have wanted to be safer if it meant she had to lose you.”

Alex clenched her hands together. “It was for the best,” she repeated the refrain that she had been telling herself every morning she woke alone.

“Fuck that, Alex.” Elliot pinched the bridge of his nose. “What happened yesterday?”

“She came by when the Secret Service Agent was going over my schedule. I let Olivia believe that she and I were involved.”

“Are you insane?”

“I’ll be able to explain all of this when the trial is over.”

“Shit, Alex. She might forgive you for trying to protect her. Hell, she’s forgiven both of us for the whole Plummer thing. I don’t know you could even explain that to her, much less convince her to excuse you for that kind of betrayal, though.” 

“I need to talk to Cragen.”

“I don’t think he knows anything more. He seemed just in the dark as the rest of us.” Elliot leaned across his desk and picked up Olivia’s Rolodex. “Look, I’m going to drive by her place. Do you want to come with me?”

“I can’t. I’m due in court. Will you call me and tell me what you find?”

“Yeah.”

“Please transfer me to Cragen.”

“What are you going to tell him?”

“I know Olivia has a large bank of time. I’m going to ask him not to process her resignation until I get a chance to talk to her.”

“Alex, if Olivia doesn’t want to be found we won’t find her.”

“I’m hoping that she’s not completely gone.”

******

She snatched up the phone before the end of the first ring. “ADA Cabot.”

“Alex, it’s Elliot.”

She leaned back in her chair and swallowed. “What did you find?”

“The place is empty. She’s gone.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know. She left the super rent money for the next three months to break her lease and told him to keep the security deposit because she didn’t have time to clean.” 

“Did she leave any forwarding information?”

“Not with the super or property management company. There might be something with the post office but we won’t know that for another couple of days.” 

“Did she leave anything?”

Elliot scratched his head while he debated answering the question. “Um.”

“Tell me.” Alex’s voice dropped. “Please.”

“The place was completely empty. All her furniture and everything are just gone.”

“But?”

“She left a dry erase board on the refrigerator. “

“Was there a message?”

“Yeah. It said Elliot. Let me go. O”

“Oh, god.” 

“Alex, I’ve got calls out to see if any moving companies helped her.”

“What’s next?”

“I’ve done the preliminaries. We’re tracking her social security number, her credit cards and her bank account.”

“What else?”

“As of an hour ago, she hadn’t taken a flight, a bus or a train out of the city.”

“What about her mother’s car?”

“Damn. I forgot that she still had that thing. I’ll put out a BOLO for it.”

“Yeah, we don’t want a trigger happy trooper to think he’s got some major criminal.”

“You got that right.” Elliot cleared his throat. “Her cell phone’s been cancelled.”

“I know. I tried it after you called.”

“Did you know of any other family she could have gone to?”

“There’s no-one. She’s on her own out there.”

“We ran a check on the morgue and all the hospitals. She isn’t in either place.” Elliot tapped his pen on his desk. “Uh, have you eaten anything today?”

She laughed. “I had breakfast.”

“You’ve got to take care of yourself. If not for you, then for her.”

Alex gulped and tried to force the tears back. “What am I going to do?”

“Pray.”

“I never wanted to lose her. I just wanted her safe.”

“I’m not going to second guess you at this stage, Alex. You did what you did. She did whatever it is she did. I just hope it doesn’t prove to be permanent.”

*****

Everyday she waited for a call that didn’t come; for a letter that was never sent. Olivia’s absence was like a weight inside her. It coated her mouth and made every bite she attempted to eat taste like ashes. It filled the darkness of her bedroom when she tried to sleep and made it impossible to draw the slightest breath without the pressure of it on her chest.

She woke up each day tired. She would sit up, turn off the alarm and follow her regular schedule. Outwardly, everything was the same. Alexandra Cabot, Associate District Attorney, made her cases and kept up her win record. Her heart wasn’t in it, though. It was lost.


	2. Repented in Leisure

Alex stood alone in the darkened observation area. She watched six men enter the adjoining room for a lineup. She glared through the window at the red lines on the back wall, hating that she had to be here in the squad room instead of her office or in a courtroom. The smell of burnt coffee and desperation always seemed to cling to her skin afterwards as a vivid reminder of her own bleak existence.

In the months following Olivia’s disappearance, it was rare for her to make the trek down to the station. The detectives had grown used to contacting her by cell phone when they needed a search warrant or approval for an arrest. It was a testament to her skill as an attorney that she continued to win her cases despite her lack of involvement with the squad.

She had tried to keep Olivia safe from the retaliation of the Columbian drug cartel by breaking up with her and then allowing her to believe that she was involved with her Secret Service bodyguard. Knowing that it was her fault and at her request that the brunette walked out of her life, didn’t make the days and nights any easier to bear.

Realizing that her hands were clenched on opposite biceps, she consciously relaxed her grip. As the survivor came in with a female officer escorting her, she attempted to smile. 

“Hello. My name is Alexandra Cabot and I’ll be handling the prosecution of the person who assaulted you. Do you recognize any of the men standing in the next room?” When the young woman didn’t look up, she softened her tone. “Take your time, Amy. Get a good look at the men and see if you can tell us which one attacked you.”

The girl kept her head down, shielding her face with her dark, lank hair. 

The officer touched her shoulder. “The men can’t see you. The window is one way.”

“I’m scared,” Amy whispered.

“That’s okay. You’re safe, though.”

Trembling, the girl cried, “I don’t think I can do this.”

Alex sighed and earned a glare from both the officer and Elliot. She forced another smile onto her face and said, “I know that we’re asking you to do something very difficult. You probably see his face in your nightmares. But we need you to do this so we can stop him from doing this to anyone else. Please try and look.”

The young woman slowly lifted her head, the vivid scar from her attack seeming all the more prominent against the pallor of her face. She stared through the window and immediately pointed at one of the men. “That’s him. Number five.”

“You’re sure.”

“I swear.”

“Very good. The officer will escort you out and have you sign a statement. Thank you very much for coming down.”

As the officer led the young woman out, an out of breath attorney pushed her way into the room. She glared at Alex. “How kind of you to invite me to my client’s lineup.”

“And hello to you, too, Ms. Clancy.”

“Drop the social niceties, Alex. I’m tired of your twisted interpretation of Miranda.”

“It was just a fortuitous coincidence that the victim was here at the station with a sketch artist when your client was brought in. There is New York precedent for running him through a lineup in such a case.”

“He’d asked for a lawyer, Alex. You should have waited for me to confer with my client.”

“Your client is well versed with the intricacies of the legal system from his numerous brushes with it. He was apprised of his rights and waived them.”

“Yeah,” Fin added. “He’s got some sort of hot date lined up. How much do you bet that we’d find another raped girl tomorrow morning if we’d cut him loose?"

“I’ll have you keep your prejudicial comments to yourself, detective. Alex, you’ll have a motion to dismiss on your desk tomorrow.”

“It was a clean arrest and good lineup, Sarah. Now, why don’t you go and escort your client through booking. He’ll be arraigned in the morning and you can take it up with the judge then.”

Fin escorted Sarah Clancy from the room and directed her to the holding area.

Elliot stayed in the room after the other detectives left. He studied the reflection of the lean face in the glass. The sharp angles could cut glass. “You aren’t eating enough.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You still need to eat. Come on, Alex. She wouldn’t want you to kill yourself.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that. You didn’t see the look on her face.”

“Give her time.”

“She’s not coming back, Elliot. To either of us.”

“Really. Then why haven’t you moved on?”

“What?”

“If you really thought it was hopeless, you’d have moved on by now. The Great Alexandra Cabot might not admit to losing easily but even you know when to cut bait.”

“I’m tired, Elliot. I don’t want to do this.” She pressed cold fingers to her stinging eyes.

“That sounds like a well-practiced phrase. Is that what you told her?”

This time the warning came in an icy glare. He pushed on anyway.

“Don’t give up on her, Alex.”

“She’s gone.”

“Hold onto the fact that she’s out there somewhere and she loves you.”

“People change.”

“No, not in the essential ways.” Elliot leaned his shoulders into the window so he could face her directly. “Look, Liv is a cop. It goes all the way to the bone. One of these days, she’ll remember that and when she does, we’ll find her.”

“How?”

“Everyone checks references these days.”

Alex drew in a deep breath and held it for a minute. Releasing it slowly, she brought her head up. “You really think so?”

“I know so. Trust her to find her way.”

For the first time since entering the building, Alex had a genuine smile on her face. “Thank you, Elliot. I needed that.”

“Anything for my favorite lawyer.”

That earned him another smile as she collected her briefcase and jacket in preparation of heading back to her office.

 

****

 

It was a blustery March day when Munch sauntered into the bullpen and dropped an envelope on Elliot’s desk.

“What’s this?”

“A receipt for lunch at Antonio’s.”

“And why should I pay you for this?”

“I always knew that keeping on Maria in Personnel’s good side would some day pay off.”

“Oh, what did you do? Promise not to date her?”

Munch raised his eyebrow at Fin. “I know how to woo a woman; I just can’t seem to stay married to them.”

Interrupting the banter, Elliot demanded, “So, what did you get?” 

“It seems that there has been a hit on Olivia’s sheet.”

Elliot stood up in a rush and snatched up the envelope. “Don’t be pulling my leg, John.”

“I wouldn’t joke about that, amigo. She matters to me too.” Munch perched one skinny butt cheek on the desk. “It seems our wandering lass went south.”

“Where?”

“To the Big Easy…The Crescent City…The City that Care Forgot.”

“Excuse me?”

“New Orleans, my friend.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Not at all. Le fille lessaize bon temps rollez.”

“Has she been there this whole time?”

“That I do not know. The request came from the New Orleans Police Department yesterday.”

“What’s going here?”

The detectives looked up at Captain Cragen. His sharp gaze took in everything.

“We’ve got some positive information on Olivia’s whereabouts.”

“Tell me.”

“There’s been a background check on her from the NOPD.”

Cragen smiled. “I’ve always wanted to see New Orleans.”

“You’re going?”

“I’ve got the best chance of getting the hiring officer to talk to me and give me her information.” He cleared his throat. “So, who’s going to tell Alex?”

The men glanced around, guiltily. 

Fin pulled his hands out of his pockets. “Paper, scissors, rock?” he asked.

Elliot and Munch nodded. Shaking their fists, they held out their hands. Scissors cut paper but was blunted on rock. Fin looked at his clenched fist in dismay.

Fin pulled his leather jacket off the back of his chair. “I’ll be back in a while. Page me, if you need me.”

Munch shook his head vigorously. “Don’t worry about anything. We can handle things until you get back.”

Tapping his closed fist to his chest, Elliot intoned. “We who are about to die, salute you.”

“Whatever, man.” He used his cell to confirm with Alex’s assistant that the ADA was in her office and expected to stay there for the rest of the afternoon. He drove there in a late model Chevy he picked out of the motor pool and parked in the underground garage.

“Yo, Alex.” 

“Detective. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Can’t I just come down to chat with my favorite ADA?”

“You could if you’d ever done it before.”

“I brought you a latté.”

“Thank you.” She popped the lid and sniffed deeply of the hot liquid before taking a sip. “It’s very good. I needed that.”

“I thought you might.”

The two of them stared at each other across the small space. Alex dabbed a bit of foam off her upper lip and asked, “What do you want?”

“I was elected to talk to you.”

One sculpted eyebrow rose. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

They stared at each other some more before Fin shrugged. “It’s about Olivia.”

“Have you heard something? Is she all right?”

“Easy, now.” Fin lifted both hands, attempting to placate her. “We don’t know much. It seems that Olivia’s folder has been requested by the New Orleans Police.”

Her chair clanged back against the radiator as she stood up in a rush. “How long ago?”

“Yesterday.”

“Do you know her contact information?”

“Nope. She’s not listed in the directory but that isn’t saying much.”

She paced back and forth behind her desk. “I’ve got the closing and two motions to argue tomorrow but I could leave afterwards.”

“You should travel with the Captain.”

“What? Why?”

“He is going to go so as to get the 411 from our brothers in blue.” Fin winked. “If you ask nice, he’ll probably let you tag along.”

Alex came around the desk and hugged the burly detective. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“Just bring her back home, Alex. We all miss her.” He reseated his hat at the proper angle and left her office. 

Pulling out her wallet, Alex began making arrangements for a weekend away.

****

Captain Deroy Thibodeaux smiled at Captain Cragen and Assistant District Attorney Cabot from behind his dark oak desk. “While it’s a pleasure to have such a distinguished officer and lovely lady visit our fair town, I’m afraid I don’t understand why y’all have come.” 

The 6th District commanding officer was a large man. His uniform stretched tight against the spread of his stomach. His hair was red and so thick on his forearms that it looked like he had a pelt. 

“I hoped to get some personal contact information about one of my folks who’s applied for work here,” Donald Cragen replied.

“Is there a problem with her application?”

“Oh, no. She’s an excellent officer.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand your interest in our hiring practices.”

“Detective Benson was an asset on my squad. She was taking off some time to decide about returning when I learned about your background check on her.” Donald ran his hand over his head. “I’ll like a chance to talk her out of it.”

“Now, why would I let you do that?”

Alex spoke up. “She left because of a misunderstanding. I’d like a chance to clear the air. If she decides to stay here after learning the full story, we’ll accept her decision.”

“A misunderstanding, huh?”

“Yes.”

“About what?”

“It’s personal.”

“Seems to have had a pretty big impact on her professional life, if she’d leave without resolving it.”

“It was a very volatile situation. We were prosecuting a Columbian drug lord for sexual assault when his people began a terror campaign against the DEA officers and members of the NYPD and District Attorney’s office.”

“Bastards.”

“Indeed. Detective Benson’s was specifically mentioned as a target. Her life was in danger and she reacted strongly to measures to protect her.”

“I don’t think I’d respond well to pressure from that quarter, either.” He leaned back in his chair and studied the woman sitting across from him. After a few moments, he turned his attention to the police officer. Eventually, he asked, “Your word that her leaving had nothing to do with her ability to perform the work?”

“You’ve got it.”

“So, you just want a crack at her? And if she still wants to stay, you’ll not kick up a fuss?”

“Exactly.”

Cragen nodded. “I’ll give her a glowing reference, in that case.”

“Well, just between the three of us, I’ll admit that my reluctance stems from the fact that we’ve been doing a bit of the hard sell ourselves.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, ma’am. Seems that Ms. Benson was instrumental in getting a serial rapist off the street.”

“Tell me about it,” Alex demanded.

“She works down the Quarter and had heard about several of the dancers getting attacked. It’s my understanding that she interviewed everyone she could find, including a number that wouldn’t talk to my NOPD officers and got a suspect. When the former head of the task force wouldn’t give her the time of day, she went vigilante on his ass. The girls down there used their contacts to make sure that when she brought him in there was plenty of news coverage.”

“It was a good bust?”

“Rock solid. The perp was only too happy to confess if it meant getting out of her hands.” He opened his hands wide. “I’d be a fool to let such a closer get away.”

“Yeah, well.”

He interrupted, “No offense meant.”

“None taken,” Cragen quickly interjected.

“So, what is it you want from me? Why don’t you just call her up?”

“She’s not in listed in the telephone directory and we hoped to save some time by getting her contact information from you.”

“I’m not too comfortable doing that. I’m no lawyer but I’m sure there’s some sort of privacy or confidentiality issue involved.” 

“Please.” Alex spoke only one word but she invested it with all her emotions.

He looked across his desk at the pallor on the checks of the strikingly beautiful blonde. Drumming his fingers, he came to a decision. “Y’all just missed Mardi Gras but I bet you didn’t know that we do a mean St. Patrick’s Day celebration.”

Cragen shook his head. “Can it compare to the march New York puts on each year? We’ve got a bunch of Irish cops.”

“And we’ve got a bunch of Roman Catholics.”

“So, we shouldn’t miss the party?”

“Well, you might find what you’re looking for.” He winked. “If you went to get a drink between 7 to 4 shift at One-Eyed Jacks, who knows who or what you’d find.”

“Thank you.”

“My pleasure, ma’am. I hope you don’t mind me not wishing you any luck?”

“Not a problem.” She extended her hand. “Thank you so much for your time.”

He bent and kissed the knuckles. “Good day, mon cheri." 

 

****

 

It was a Thursday and the 80’s dance music was blasting from the speakers. Donald grimaced at the wall of noise that hit them when they entered. “Where should we look?”

Alex rubbed her damp palms against her pants. “I guess we should start behind the bar.”

The sea of bodies parted and Alex had her first view of Olivia in 214 days. Olivia was wearing a wife beater and her well-muscled arms were in constant motion behind the bar. As if she felt the regard, Olivia looked up from speed pouring a drink and froze. 

The bottle of Remy Martin fell out of nerveless fingers. Olivia looked at the broken glass at her feet while she tried to get her traitorous heart under control. Flashing a grin at the waiting customer, she poured a new drink and waved off the payment. “On me, sugar.”

Olivia carefully cleaned up the mess. When she was done, Alex and Donald were at the bar in front of her.

Without a word, she made Alex a gin and tonic and used the soda gun to pour out a ginger ale for her former boss. She handed them across with a nod. “Donald.”

“Olivia. You’re looking better than expected.”

She very carefully did not look at Alex. “Thanks. You’re looking pretty good yourself.” Waving her hand at the women lined three deep at the bar, she said curtly, “I’ve got to get back to work.”

“Of course. We would like a word with you when you get a chance.”

She scowled and moved away. As she got away from Alex, her heart began to slow it’s frantic beat and she was calm, cool and collected by the time she took the first order. Her movements balletic, she quenched the thirst of many a woman.

The towering, transgender Diva who owned the joint stepped up beside her. “Girlfriend, who’s the blonde dish?”

“Just a friend.”

“I treat my enemies better than you’ve been treating her.”

“It’s a long story.”

“I don’t want to hear it. It’s bad manners and the antithesis of southern hospitality. Didn’t your Mama teach you anything?”

Olivia glanced sideways at her boss and friend.

“Oh, that’s right. You’re a Yankee and don’t know any better.”

“I know we kicked your asses the last time around.”

“Not New Orleans, baby. Remember, we’ve got French blood in our veins. We surrendered early.”

“Uh, huh.” Olivia glanced over at Alex. The ADA had hardly taken her eyes off her all night.

“That girl has it bad for you.”

“Not to hear her tell it.”

“Don’t listen to their words, sweetheart. Women lie with their lips.” She batted her false eyelashes. “It’s their bodies that do the truth talking.”

“She let her body talk to someone else.”

“Are you sure you have the whole story? Go take a break and talk to your wife.”

“What?” Olivia glanced at the odd couple at the end of the bar. “Uh, how did you know?”

“Sugar, she’s staring at you like she’s dying of thirst and doesn’t know whether you’re an oasis or a mirage.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Honey, women are. That’s why we love ‘em.” She picked up a rag and pushed Olivia aside. “Shoo. You’re in my way.”

Olivia walked down the bar like she was heading to the firing line. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Curtly, she said, “You want to talk? Then follow me.”

She led them out the alley to the small courtyard. There was a single table surrounded by boxes of booze. Pulling out a chair, she sank down. “How did you find me?”

“We asked Captain Thibodeaux for a crack at convincing you to come back in exchange for a glowing reference.” Donald shook the ice in his glass. “He seems quite taken with you and rather convinced that you’ll choose to stay here.”

She ducked her head. “I was a little blunt in my interview.”

“That’s what I always liked about you.” He watched her for a moment. “Is the door closed? I wouldn’t want to waste my time.”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t belong here.” Alex’s voice was fierce. “Where is the woman who wouldn’t go farther south than New Jersey?”

“She didn’t have a reason to stay and plenty of reasons to put as much distance as possible between her and the pain.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex fought back tears.

Olivia shook her head. “I waited a long time to hear those words and, you know what? They don’t mean shit.”

“Olivia,” Donald said, warningly.

“What? I don’t work for her anymore.”

“But you do still love her.”

“Yeah, right. What kind of love kicks someone to the street when things are tough?” She shook her head. “I thought I knew what love meant and then I walked in on you.”

“It was a lie.”

“What?”

“It was the easiest way to get you to stay away.”

“Why, Alex? Why couldn’t I be there for you? What is it I did so wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then tell me why?”

“You were named.”

“Excuse me?” Olivia looked from Alex to Donald.

Donald answered, “The DEA had a credible threat that listed you and Alex’s mother as target’s if the prosecution continued. They took responsibility for Tim’s death and said it was nothing to what they would do to you if Alex didn’t drop the case.” He looked sympathetically at her.

“I don’t understand.”

Donald put his hands on the table. “She wanted to protect you. She thought that if she got you away from her, you’d be safe.”

“Safe? What’s safe to having your beating heart ripped out of your body?” She glared at Alex. “Did you get Zapata?”

“A child got him.” Alex shrugged. “He killed a witness but left her son alive. He was very brave and took the stand to testify against Rafael.”

“He’s off the street?”

“Yes.”

“And his organization?”

“In tatters. They aren’t a viable force in the drug and murder for hire racket anymore.”

Olivia ran a hand through her short, dark hair. “This is a lot to take in.”

“I know.” Donald pushed his chair back from the table. “I’m going to head back to the hotel.” He handed her a card. “I’m giving you my number, in case you forgot it. I’ve got my cell phone with me. Let me know what your decision is before I leave on Sunday.”

Looking dazed, Olivia nodded. “Okay. It was good to see you.”

“You’re looking good, Liv. Better than I expected.” He placed a hand on her shoulder. “No matter the decision you make, I want you to keep the number. Let me know how you’re getting on occasionally.”

“All right.” She watched him walk away. When he passed through the doors, she sighed and turned back to face Alex. “What do you want?”

“I want to make it up to you. I was wrong. I never should have pushed you away.”

“What about her? The woman in your office.”

Alex blushed. “She was my bodyguard. I thought if you believed the worst, you’d go.” Her voice low, she whispered, “I never thought you’d go so far.”

“I had to. I couldn’t stay and watch someone else,” Olivia couldn’t even say the words. “You know.”

“I know and I’m so sorry.” She reached across the table and took Olivia’s hands. “I’d like a chance to make things right. To make us right again.”

“It’s not going to be easy.”

“Please, Olivia. I’ve been in hell since you left.”

“That’s funny. I never saw you there.” Olivia pulled her hands free. “I don’t know if I can ever forget.”

“I’m not asking you to forget. Just say that you forgive me and I’ll work every day to make it up to you.”

“I don’t know if I can come back.”

“I can take the bar here.”

“Louisiana practices a different kind of law,” Olivia warned.

“I don’t care. I gave up too much when I chose the job over you. I will sell paper flowers on the street, if you’ll just give me the chance to make things right.”

“Better you should learn to throw the bones or read the tarot cards. There’s a good business in fortune telling.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” There were tears in her eyes. “It’s always good to have a fall back career.”

“Like my bartending?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s how I paid for school. My mother spent so much time in bars when I was growing up, I knew every drink there was and how to pour with flair.”

Alex sighed. “I missed being able to watch you move.”

“We’re not going to be back where we left off. We’re going to have to start at the beginning again.”

“Please, does this mean yes?”

“I could never say no to you, Alex. Not from the first day you walked into the squad room.”

Alex burst into tears and came around the table. She fell to her knees and hugged Olivia around the waist. Burying her head in Olivia’s lap, she sobbed. “Thank you.”

“I’m not making any promises.”

“I am. I promise to do everything in my power to make you believe in me, in us, again.”

“You think we still have an us?”

“I know it.” She placed her hand on Olivia’s heart. “You know it, too. After everything, we’re still united by bonds stronger than titanium.”

“I felt you. Back there, in the bar.”

“Our bodies might have been apart but our souls never were.” She tightened her grip on Olivia’s shirt and pulled her down for a searing kiss. “I never want to lose you again.”

“You won’t. Now that you’ve found me, I won’t ever let you go.”


End file.
